A Most Unfortunate Tale
by NekoPen
Summary: Hogwarts is holding a play! Things get interesting when the lives of those who live within the castle's walls parallel the story of the Star-Crossed Lovers! HGSS n' HD
1. Prologue

Disclaimer: I don't own anything…well, except for that bag of rice over there, and that garbage can lid. Harry Potter and all the characters in this story belong to J.K.R unless I say otherwise. Otherwise- Shakespeare owns Romeo and Juliet, of course! Well, you get it, standard disclaimer stuff should be in here, because my thing doesn't really make sense.

Title- A Most Unfortunate Tale

Summary- Hogwarts is staging a play: Romeo and Juliet! Amazing how much the lives of many in the castle walls parallel the story of the star-crossed lovers! Funny? Who'd a thunk? HG/SS n' H/D

Rating: R, cuz of language, mild violence and sexual innuendo… innuendo? *wink wink* Strange bedfellows indeed… 

~~~~~~~~

"Mmhmm…" She agreed nonchalantly to his ranting. She sat there, listening to Harry Potter argue with himself for the umpteenth time about the best way to go about castrating their favorite Blond Slytherin. 

"It's not as if he … Anybody could do that by accident!" She nodded in assent and peered over at Ron, who was listening intently.

"So Harry, how'll you get back at him?" Ron chimed in, he just had to see a shamed Draco Malfoy.

"Ugh, I don't think so. He'll probably see anything I do as flirting," he let out a shudder, "Nuh uh, He's not going down THERE again."

Hermione giggled, and the two boys turned to stare at her. She shrugged, "What's the harm in it, Harry? We're graduating in less than half a year; we're probably never going to have to deal with him again. Get him back, while you still can." 

They couldn't respond. They stared at her, visibly repulsed and trying to hold back gags. The only reason she'd suggested exacting revenge on Malfoy was because she was tired of listening to Harry gripe.

Draco had openly flirted with Harry for the entire year, which ironically enough was the year after Voldemort and his Death Eaters were uncovered and, many of them, killed; Lucius including. Harry was repulsed, of course, but was able to ward off the other boy by running away or ignoring him. It was only during that morning that Malfoy had dared to pounce on Harry, leaving him too shocked to move and get out of groping range. Tonight's tirade was the result, and to Hermione's great chagrin, Harry had decided to unleash his pent up frustration and horror on his two best friends. 

Harry made it a point to ignore what she had just said, and so continued with his speech, "Draco Malfoy cannot get away with this! I'll have to tell the Headmaster, maybe I can get him expelled! Maybe…maybe he'll have to serve a week's worth of detentions!" 

Hermione decided to wedge in another comment, "Maybe, Harry, maybe you're actually enjoying Malfoy's attentions. Maybe that's why you're so worked up over him. Hmm?" 

She eyed him with a lifted eyebrow and an innocent little smile. He glared at her. 

"Maybe I don't like men's hands touching my…touching my…down my pants!" Harry couldn't let the words out, and was granted with disgusted looks from Ron and peals of laughter from Hermione. 

"Alright, Harry, you win. I guess Ron'll do for you, then?" She laughed again as the boys looked fearfully toward one another, and she left the room before they could scream at her. 

~~~~

There wasn't much to do for the rest of the night. She couldn't visit the library, as Madam Pince wasn't anywhere to be seen and she didn't want to risk getting yelled at by the books in the Restricted Section. 

She decided to simply roam the halls, Head Girl badge in place, and try to find students breaking rules. It was oh-so-much fun to catch them snogging behind statues or in empty classrooms and assign detentions. She loved the rush of the chase, the triumph of watching their horrified little faces peering fearfully up at her, hoping to be let go with only a stern reprimand. 

She was blessed with Slytherins tonight. She tried sneaking up to them, to scare them before they realized that they'd been caught. To her great misfortune, Severus Snape was also trying to do just that. They ended up spotting each other before the two happily snogging Slytherins could see either of them. 

Severus, upon finding her lurking behind a column, put up his hands to her, peacefully allowing her this kill. She smiled wickedly at him and accepted the gift.

Walking into the meager light emitted by the small candles scattered here and there, she let her face glow menacingly down at the couple. "Mm, I think a detention is in order for fornicating in the hallways, and, of course, for staying out past curfew." 

She grinned, once again, wickedly at Snape and let her voice drop to an ominous pitch, "That'll be eight o' clock, tomorrow in Professor Snape's office, of course. And," she added, for extra measure, "for every second you two stare at me like that, it's ten points from Slytherin." 

They quickly scurried, holding their robes to their almost-naked bodies, toward the general direction of the Slytherin Common room before Hermione decided to torture them further. "Hmm, that's thirty points now, you realize!" 

They ran faster, and Hermione turned her head purposefully in Snape's direction. He stared at her dubiously. 

"Miss Granger, that was most impressive. No simple reprimand should be that menacing." He glared when she tried to cover up a laugh, "But it's a detention for you too, I'm afraid. You must know by now that supervising detentions is tedious at best, it hurts that you think I have nothing better to do than to punish hormone-ridden teenagers. Tomorrow night, eight, don't be late." and he walked off. 

She stood there waiting for him to turn around and fart lightning bolts or something, as she had never seen him quite so playful when assigning a detention. She shuddered and turned around, looking for more victims to share the detention that she was forced into. If she was going to have to face the sadistic punishment of Severus Snape, she wouldn't go without victims. 

~~~

"Harry.. Harry, what do you think Hermione meant about …us?" Ron peered up at his friend from behind a Transfigurations text and squirmed under Harry's piercing stare.

"Uh…Ron? She was joking, just joking. What's wrong with you?" Harry was utterly perplexed, and Ron had to bury his face in the book to hide his getting-redder-by-the-moment face.

"N-never mind. Nothing….No really, nothing! I'm…gonna go up and sleep now…see…see you tomorrow, Harry." He tried to hide his face, which was unfortunately growing almost as red as his hair, and ran towards the steps to the dorms. 

Harry looked up towards the staircase and shuddered as to what could possibly lead Ron to blush on his account. He was interrupted by a crisp voice.

"I told you he liked you." Ginny, this time, and Harry became even more tense. 

"That's…disgusting, repulsive, horrifying… can't think of any more words for it, but you get my point. Ew…" He slumped over and mock-gagged over the armrest of his sofa. 

"I don't know, Harry, gross as it is to you, I think Ron's fancied you since fifth year. There's no other explanation for the way he's been acting." Ginny walked over to sit herself opposite Harry, and she was trying to suppress laughter.

"This is getting weird, Malfoy and Ron? They should just… I don't know, get together or something, if they're so infatuated with men. Ugh, I don't want to think about it." He let out an audible sigh, and turned to stare at Ginny. "You, of course, are another story entirely."

She looked up wide eyed at him, "Are you FLIRTING with me, Harry Potter?"

"Uh…" He really had no response to her loud and unflattering inquiry, "uh…"

"I didn't think so. 'Night, Harry." She nodded curtly at him, and added as an afterthought, "Well, if you like Weasleys, I know a Ron who might take an interest in you." She grinned at his stunned expression and flounced up the stairs to the girls' dormitory. 

"Good God, what is happening to this school?" Harry buried his head in his hands and tried to cry. 

~~~~

Albus Dumbledore sat up in his study and was holding a very merry conversation with his portraits.

"Yes, well, then it's agreed. We're to hold a play at Hogwarts! Which will it be?"

"Westside Story!" roared the painting of Armando Dippet.

"Why not the original?" complained Derwent's painting.

Phineas Nigellus snorted, but tactfully remained out of the conversation. 

"Calm down, we'll put up the flyers for Romeo and Juliet tomorrow morning! Nothing better than the story of a love that cannot be!" Albus looked thoroughly excited as he put on his nightcap and thought about the auditions for the play and who would show up. 

~~~~

Weird? Likely! Sad? Maybe! Fun? Definitely! Fucked up? Most Assuredly! The most carbonation you can get out of a can of soda? HELL YES! Logical? ….er..what?

R n' R please! I appreciate any and all comments, as long as it's not a pointless flame. Thanks, and I hope you enjoy this suitably crazy story!


	2. He thinks you're gay

A Most Unfortunate Tale

The Faery Walks Among Us!

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, the marvelous JKR does, and she's not going to sue me because she loves me, right? And the marvelous, deceased, might I add, Shakespeare owns Romeo and Juliet. Standard Disclaimer stuff here, and for any future chapters should I forget to include this thingy. 

I whipped out another chapter soon enough, I hope. I hate to disappoint…Hope this chapter's up to your standards. So, who will play Romeo and who will play Juliet? I'll tell you now that you *don't* find out in this chapter, just to save you from heartbreak. You *do* however, find out who's going to audition…! Woohoo! Review Responses are at the bottom, cuz I like to write long notes. On with the Story!

~~~~~~~~~

"Did you bring any toast with you?" Hermione had spent the entire morning in the library, and her stomach was growling furiously at her. 

"Damn, I knew I forgot something." Harry sat himself down at the seat across from her and tried to keep his face apologetic.

"Ugh, I'm so hungry. I know you forgot on purpose, so you can stop the act." She looked lamely toward him, and started to organize her notes and books.

"Does that mean you're going to lunch?" Harry immediately sprang up from his chair and started helping her organize her things.

"I guess; I can't focus anymore, you stupid prat. Stop laughing at me and help me put all these books back." She glared pointedly at him and turned to place her books on the shelves behind her. 

They cleaned up quickly, and (after Hermione exchanged pleasantries with Madam Pince) they left the library to eat lunch with the rest of the school.

~~~~

"Excuse me, may I have your attention, please? Before we commence with the eating, I have an announcement to make!" Dumbledore stood at the end of the Head Table and raised his hands to silence the students. 

"I am pleased to announce that Hogwarts will be staging its first play on April the fifth! It's titled Romeo and Juliet, a muggle creation if I'm not mistaken," at this, several Slytherins began moaning at the prospect of having to endure a muggle play, "but, I'm told that there are several deaths." His eyes twinkled disconcertingly behind his half moon spectacles as the cheers of the Slytherins pervaded throughout the entire hall. 

"Signs have been posted in each common room, informing all of you as to when and where the auditions will take place. Any and all are welcome to try out for the First Annual Hogwarts Play!" Dumbledore clapped his hands together and boomed, "Commence with stuffing your faces!" and everyone began to eat.

"Hermione! What's that about, then?" Ron took the seat next to her and looked curiously up at her. 

She smiled, "Ron, I think you would make the perfect Tybalt!" 

"What the fuck's a tihbulk?" He stared at her ambiguously.

"No no, Tybalt. He's a character from Romeo and Juliet. He matches your personality perfectly, you know." She didn't want to say *how* that was, of course. Tybalt was not the most flattering character to be described as, after all.

"Uh-huh…. I'm not going to be in any plays in the first place, so there's nothing to be scared of. It's not as if anybody would want-" He cut himself off abruptly upon seeing Harry, who was looking for all the world as if he was contemplating auditioning for the play. "Harry.... Don't tell me you're going to try out!"

"Uhm, huh…wuh?" He blinked his eyes a few times and brought himself back to the present, "Try out? That's ridiculous, Ron. As if I would ever consider showing up in tights and prancing around like a complete moron!" 

He hit the surface of the Gryffindor table with his palm and looked indignant. Hermione could only laugh, and Ron looked to her. 

"Don't tell me *you're* going to audition!"

"There's no shame in it. A girl can prance all she wants, even though there's none of that in this play. Idiots." She stabbed at a cherry tomato with her fork and popped it into her mouth. 

Harry, this time, "So, who do you want to play, 'Mione?" 

"Dunno, I'm thinking I might audition for Juliet's part. I'll have to do a lot of memorizing, but it shouldn't be too difficult. I already know the part; I was Juliet in a play at my old school. They wouldn't let us kiss though, we had to do a silhouette thing. Stupid, really." She ended with a disparaging look from Ron and a mysterious "hmm" from Harry.

Hermione spotted Ginny walking over to them. She pushed Ron further down the table and scooted over, herself, to give Ginny room to sit at the end. 

"Hey, are any of you going to try out for the play?" Ginny made a sort of high pitched giggly noise in her throat and plopped herself down next to Hermione. 

"Ron said definitely not, Harry…well, he said no," she whispered the next bit, "but personally, I think he'd like to try out for Romeo." She giggled with Ginny, and composed herself again, "I'd like to try out for the part of Juliet, but it all depends on who's playing Romeo. I wouldn't want to play opposite Draco Malfoy or something."

Harry still looked undecided, even with a Very Indigestive Ron Weasley trying to convince him not to. Hermione and Ginny left the table, leaving the two boys to their own devices.

~~~~

'Damn You Albus….Damn You' Severus Snape stared icily down at his plate and periodically shot heart-freezing glares at the Headmaster. 'Damn You Albus….Damn You'

Dumbledore had all but forced Severus to act in the play. Which part wasn't yet clear, but he had demanded over breakfast that Severus take part in the play or be cursed with bat wings and ears for the rest of the year. Severus grudgingly accepted his fate, and aimed to get a one-liner. 'Damn You Albus….Damn You' was repeated in his head throughout the remainder of Lunch.

~~~~

"Ginny, are you going to audition?" The two girls made their way to the Gryffindor Common Room. 

"Of course! Who'd miss the chance to be a part of *this*?" She lifted her eyebrows devilishly, and laughed when Hermione stared wide-eyed at her, "I'm horrible with memorizing, so nothing big, but I want to try out for a guy's part. It's empowering, don't you think?" 

Hermione gawked at her, and after several moment's pause, said, "Well…I guess that's all for the better. I wouldn't want to compete against a friend for Juliet's part."

"Niiice, who do you want for Romeo?" 

"Dunno, I don't really care as long as it's not," a pause to let loose a shudder, "Draco Malfoy or the like. I could just picture the entire school laughing while I'm forced to kiss….Goyle." She let out a decadent "ew" and shook her head.

"Hermione, Hermione," she sighed, "I see it's up to me to choose the perfect Romeo for you. How old are these characters supposed to be, anyway?" 

"Well, Juliet's a 13 year old girl, and Romeo's 17." Her head was turned to the ceiling as she tried to remember the details of the play.

"That. Is. Disgusting! How could a 13 year old…ew!" Ginny shook her hands in front of her, trying to get rid of the images in her head.

"Well, I suppose you wont want to play Paris then, will you?" She said contemplatively.

"Paris?"

"He plays her fiancé"

"I thought that was Romeo…" confused, she poked Hermione for a response.

"Oh, yeah. Well, you'll see when you get the script. It's basically like a Slytherin falling in love with a Gryffindor, even though the Slytherin's being courted by another Slytherin, you know what I mean?" She tried to articulate her words, but failed miserably as a jumble of explanations struggled to escape from her mouth.

"Uh, yeah, I think so. It's still fucked up." and they finally reached the portrait of the Fat Lady. 

"Piehole!" Hermione shouted to the sleeping painting.

"Oh, hm, yes, Dear. No need to yell." The portrait swung open to reveal a severely confetti-ed common room. 

As Hermione and Ginny stepped into the florescent room, banners began to unravel from the ceiling and draped the walls. They stared, open mouthed, at the flamboyant decorations and turned their heads to each other.

"What the hell?" they said in unison.

Hermione looked at the banner as it began to formulate words, she read them slowly, as if struggling to believe the absurdity of it all, "The First Annual Hogwarts Play Audition for Romeo and Juliet will take place in one week, in the Great Hall after Dinner." She read the subscript, "All curfews will be extended for two hours, and all students are welcome to take part in or witness the auditions for Romeo and Juliet." 

"O…kay…" Ginny let out a low whistle and started picking confetti out of Hermione's hair. "Well, at least it was informative…" 

Hermione was annoyed to find that her hair had been severely confetti-ed and started pulling at the strands when the banners on the walls suddenly rolled themselves up and the confetti on the floor disappeared. She stared at her hair, waiting for the rainbow colors to fade, and let out a string of curses when they were still there a minute after. 

"Great…this is great. Damn it, Ginny, you're lucky that you can actually run your hands through your hair. I'm going up for a shower, get all this crap out of there."

Ginny gently patted her friend's frizzy, colorful head and expressed her sympathies. "Well, I'm going to go spread gossip now" she winked, "We'll see who the candidates are for Romeo and Juliet! Come to dinner, I'll fill you in at the table."

"Uh huh…" and Hermione trudged up the stairs, still tugging at her hair and the damn confetti.

~~~~

"Wanna go practice? Best to while the sun's still bright enough for Quidditch." Ron said over a mouthful of sandwich.

"Yeah, sure." Harry ate his last bite of salad, "I have to go do something first, though. I'll catch up with you in twenty minutes or so, just go on ahead of me." he looked particularly distracted when he said this, and missed Ron's pout.

"Get my broom for me, will you?" He said to Ron's retreating back. He was answered with a nod and left at the table. 

Harry put down his fork and got up from his seat. He'd have to visit the library quickly if he was going to get to the Quidditch pitch on time. What better way to familiarize himself with the story of Romeo and Juliet than actually reading the book? 

He was, unfortunately (or perhaps not…), cut off by none other than Draco Malfoy.

"Look who I've found! Potter, did you enjoy my present yesterday?" Draco waved off Crabbe and Goyle and hurried to walk alongside Harry.

Harry said nothing, just ignored him like he always did. He was easy to get rid of, as long as he was ignored for a long enough time. 

"Don't you know, if you played Juliet, I could be Romeo." He grinned wildly at Harry, "And we can make the kissing scene *more* than just a kissing scene, if you catch my drift." He raised his eyebrows and laughed. 

"Hmph" and Harry immediately regretted the noise he'd made. It would only result in Draco getting excited at the prospect of Harry actually talking to him, and make him talk more so as to egg Harry on.

"I knew you'd want to. I wouldn't make you wear a dress or anything, you know. It's not as if I want us to look like *complete* flamers out there." He stated contemplatively.

Harry had to laugh at that; just the day before, Draco had put his hands down Harry's pants groping for certain somethings that should never be groped by other males. 

"So, you *want* to look like a complete flamer? Well, I'll do it if you ask nicely, Potter." He winked, and fell back to join his comrades back in the Great Hall. 

Harry had to stop and blink at what The Evil One had just said. He had every intention of playing Romeo, but not to the extent of having to kiss 'It'. The mere thought of it sickened him, not so much as the thought of dating Ron, but pretty damn close. 

He found his bearings as he neared the doors to the library. He'd find the book he was looking for here: Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet. 

~~~~

'Damn You Albus…Damn You' Severus was walking to his laboratory now, waiting for that which would kill him - Auditions. 

'Damn You Albus….Damn You' He downed a Pepper-up potion and threw the vial against the far wall of his laboratory.

What did the world have against him?

"Damn You Albus! Damn You!" He yelled at thin air. 

He left the lab and tried to maintain some degree of composure as he walked through the dungeons to find McGonagall. He'd find an excuse to yell at her, as long as he got a good rant in before dinner. He'd need to let go of his frustration before his Detention with the dimwits lest he decide to poison one of them in blind rage. 

~~~~

Woo~ Hope you liked that chapter! This fic is so fun to write!

Shout-outs, you say? Review responses!

Embyr81788- Thanks, I hope my grammar's alright in this one… 'hope' being the key word. Sorry, but you wont find out who's cast until the fourth or fifth chapter. Don't worry, lots of things will happen from now until then! 

lisa ambrose aka lord_snapes_lady! - thanks for the nice comments. Hey, I got this chapter in a day after the first, and that's not bad if I do say so myself. Lol, Draco and Ron in a catfight? Sounds delicious, I'll try to get that in somewhere, just for the laughs XD

Xochitl - Lightning bolts are *fun* to fart, lol. Did I get the chapter out fast enough for ya?

elfgirl - thanks! Hey, slow down, it's only the first chapter. Proper Copulation will take place in due time, till then, you can just picture Draco with his hands down Harry's pants.

Artemis MoonClaw - Hm, I'm not sure I know what cat box disease is..should I? Uhh, explanation would be much appreciated! Thanks

SiruisBlacksgirl4eva - Domo Arigatou, I will!

Ra-chan - Thanks! I try to keep my stories original, but it's getting harder as time goes by with all these fics popping up.

Alexia - flirting innuendo filled teenagers like you, eh? Twisted plots are my favorite, the twisted-er the better. Hm, there *has* to be a better word for that…Twistier? Twistillistic? Twistosterone? LOL

Lady_Black - I hope this update was soon enough. I try to write regularly, but like I said, I have a weird schedule. Thanks for the enthusiasm though, I think you're more into this than I am, lol

Repmet mentioned in a review that my fic holds a lot of similarities to Altagracia's 'The Rocky Hogwarts Picture Show'. I've read this fic before, and though there are a few resemblances, I can safely say that my piece as a whole will be very different from Altagracia's. The prologues of lots of fics are similar to each other, so I hope you don't take the slight resemblance as plagiarism or anything, as that was not at all intended. Thanks for the Heads Up!

Gratefully, 

Tara


	3. He thinks I'm gay?

A Most Unfortunate Tale

Chapter 2) He thinks I'm Gay?

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter (almost said Pooter…I don't own that, either!) or the Harry Potter Universe. Yeah, J.K Rowling is great. Yeah. Romeo and Juliet doesn't belong to me either. Yeah, Shakespeare is great. Yeah. Yes, anyway, normal disclaimer stuff in here, and in future chapters too, should I happen to forget. 

Hey Everybody! Thanks for the reviews, they keep me going ^_^ I hope you like this next chapter, I'll try to make them longer, because I've noticed that they're a little on the short side. Mm, I've been rather busy lately, mostly due to school. I've got some homicidal professors this term. And my parking permit melted last week, woe is me. Oh well, I'll finish this fic; no worries! 

I was thinking about holding a contest while writing this fic. It would be mostly Harry Potter trivia, AMUT trivia, and guessing for certain questions, pretty easy stuff. If you're for the idea, tell me! And if you're not, tell me! And if you're indifferent, well…you don't have to tell me @.@ I have a reward in mind, but I'd like the readers' input too. If I get some support for this, there'll be further explanation on the next update. Thanks kindly!

~~~~

"Albus, you must realize that people might not want to play aged and obese wet nurses." Minerva tried to find a flaw in his plan.

"Ah, Minerva, you needn't worry yourself over something like that. I already told you, I've got it all taken care of," he said solemnly, "This play will bring the school together!"

She nodded resignedly and turned to pet Fawkes, "So I take it you'll be the sole judge at the Auditions." 

She sighed at his enthusiastic nod, "Alright, I give up. I'll see you at dinner, Albus."

"Dinner, it is."

~~~~

Hermione pulled and tugged at her hair, but the confetti just wouldn't come out. Finally, in a fit of frustration, she grabbed her wand from her nightstand and attempted to charm it away. This, of course, led to her hair turning into a devastatingly bright shade of purple. 

She moaned, and tried to change it back to its original color. After several failed attempts, she had to settle for blonde before she could show herself in public. The blonde wasn't very flattering, but it was All Natural compared to the bright purple and jungle green.

She put her wand down and tried to enjoy the rest of her shower, even if she looked like a Malfoy. She still had confetti in her hair, but against the gold, it looked more like decoration than the Disgusting Maggots that it had appeared to be in contrast to her brown hair. 

She finished with her decidedly uncomfortable shower and toweled herself off. 

'Aren't Saturdays supposed to be leisurely?' she thought, as she held up her hair to examine it closely. 

With a sigh, she got dressed and tied her color-speckled golden hair into a ponytail. It would be a long day, and she wasn't to be blamed for any Frustration Induced accidents that might result in limb misplacement. 

~~~~

"Fifteen points from Hufflepuff for getting in my way!" he stared coldly down at the third year boy who looked as if he was about to collapse. 

Severus released a big sigh, "That. Means," and he shoved the young boy out of his way, "MOVE!"

The trembling boy readily moved out of Angry Severus Snape's way and ran toward his common room. 

'Stupid dimwits, the lot of them' he thought as he shoved his way through the scared students of Hogwarts. 

Finally, he came to a door beside the statue of Marisa of Sandwich. 

"I am sofa king we Todd did," and Severus was let through. 

He knew he'd find Minerva there, and he glared at her as she moved her Knight to checkmate the opposing King. 

"I'm sorry, Filius, I'm afraid you owe me another Blue Label Ogden's." she smiled warmly to him.

"Good game, Minerva, as always. You'll find the bottle in your desk on Monday," he cheerfully lifted his hands and looked away from the massacre that was the chessboard.

"Severus! Finally out of that old catacomb, I see," Filius became increasingly 'jolly' with the more alcohol he consumed.

He wisely sidestepped in order to dodge the attempted bear hug. "Good afternoon, Filius," and the shorter man stumbled off in the general direction of the other side of the room. 

Severus, however, was standing in front of McGonagall as she set up the board for another round of chess, "Would you like to join me, Severus?"

"Sorry to disappoint, but I don't play Wizard's Chess," he glared icily at her.

"Well, then why ever have you come down here? You know very well that this is the Official Room In Which To Engage In Healthy and Competitive Wizard's Chess as Albus titled it years ago," she stated pointedly, and he merely kept his glare going.

"Of course I'm very well aware of that, Minerva. I came to discuss the," he paused as he tried to think of something to yell at her about, "the bloody play! Who's Brilliant Idea was it to stage that stupid muggle play at Hogwarts, anyway?" He knew that the answer was most definitely Dumbledore, but he liked to yell.

"You know it was Dumbledore. And stop yelling at me, Severus. It isn't my fault that you have to play the Nanny," she faked a look of shocked fear, and covered her mouth with her hand as if she'd let something slip.

"I. Have. To. WHAT???" 

'Oh great, he's in blind rage now. Beautiful, Minerva, just beautiful.' she lamely considered her options. Egg him on or try to calm him down?

"Ahem, so Severus, have you asked Filius yet for the Breast Enhancement Charm?"

"This is unacceptable! I will not tolerate it, Dumbledore will simply have to do without a Potions Master if I'm to play the part of a woman!" he was panicking, and it was oh so much fun to watch him pace the room in anxiety.

"He'll also need to charm most of your teeth away, as the Nurse only has a few, you know," she internally grinned as she watched him lose his self-control. 

"Auugh! Minerva, you and Albus will live to regret the day you make me walk onto that stage! I will make sure of it!" and he was out of the room in a flurry of black fabric. 

"So, Filius, do you think he'll agree to take the part of Paris now? It might be such a relief for him, not having to play the Nanny, He might actually take the part!" she laughed at the thought of it.

"Minerva, you know as well as I do that he'll not have it. Dumbledore did say he had a choice, after all. What a shame…" He looked wistfully toward the empty bottle of Ogden's Old Firewhiskey and sighed, "We've got the hard jobs, Minerva, We have to do backstage magic… When will Dumbledore calm down and run this school like normal?"

~~~~

"Finally, where have you been, Harry?" Ron admonished him, slightly pink in the face from flying around the pitch.

"Ugh, I got intercepted by Malfoy. You can only *guess* what happened, hm?" and Harry closed his eyes, trying to ward the thoughts away.

"He didn't give you Gay, did he?" Ron tried to look as if were about to gag, but sneezed instead.

Harry opened his eyes when cold droplets of water sprayed over his arms, "Ron! What did I tell you about sneezing on me?" he wiped his arms on his Quidditch robes and turned to hit Ron over the head.

"Uh, Sorry. Think I've got a cold, sorry," he was busily trying to suppress any resemblances to homosexuality, with Harry looking all the worried friend. 

"Uh, you okay? We don't have to practice today, if you've got a cold," he jumped back though, when Ron sneezed in the air again.

"Nuh uh, Harry. Nothing's stopping me from practicing, it's been weeks since I've gotten on a broom," he fished in his pockets for a tissue; failing to find one, he used Harry's robes.

"Ron! How many times do I have to tell you?!" he tried to keep the edge out of his voice, as Ron *did* have a cold, after all.

"Mph, Sorry," they stood there awkwardly until Harry took it upon himself to lift his broom and let loose the Bludgers and the Golden Snitch. 

They both lifted off and flew in the direction of their prizes. Ron hit one of the Bludgers with a 'thwack!' that resounded through the stadium as Harry barely dodged it. This went on until Harry caught the Snitch for the seventh time. 

The skies began to darken and the two called it a day. Just before they walked into the locker rooms to dress though, Ron walked Very Near Harry, looking deep in thought. Ron stumbled as they walked, and the two bumped heads. He looked up and smiled sheepishly, patting Harry's forehead in an attempt to smooth down his hair.

"NGYAH!" and Harry jumped back, rubbing his forehead with the back of his hand, "What the hell is wrong with you??"

"Uh…" Ron's face was (once again) turning bright red, and instead of responding, he took the trunk that held the Quidditch balls and quickly walked toward the castle. 

Harry stood silently, horrified at the turn of events, and remained on the Hogwarts grounds until the darkness of night would no longer permit him to be a dumbass.

~~~~

Hermione walked into the Great Hall with a frown plastered onto her face. She tried to cover her hair with a pointed hat, but it made her look bald. She eventually gave up on that and let her hair down, curls and all.

As expected, the entire hall was staring at her new hair color. She tried not to pay attention to their hushed whispers, but Draco took it upon himself to trip her. She dodged his foot, but not his arm, and she nearly fell over herself.

"That's twenty points from Slytherin, you stupid git!" she screamed at him, before realizing that the entire Great Hall was listening to her. "That is…. That is what you wanted to be called, isn't it?" 'Oh crap, that didn't help, did it?' she thought, before she ran to her seat at the Gryffindor table. 

"Uh, Hermione…I'm pretty sure you didn't mean that. Please tell me you didn't mean that," said Ginny, who looked fearfully at her, and let out an audible sigh of relief as Hermione nodded with her head in her hands. 

"I found out who's trying out, if you still want to know," Ginny tried to steer the conversation in a safe direction.

Immediately, Hermione's head shot up, and before she could stop herself, she asked loudly, "Who??"

"You wont believe this, Neville's trying out! He won't say for what though. I heard from a group of Ravenclaws that Harry was going to audition for Romeo, but that's not much of a surprise…" she paused to collect her thoughts, "We all know Draco's going to try for something, and everybody's scared he'll audition for the part of Juliet," she rested her elbow on the table and held her chin in her hand to see if there was anything she was forgetting, "Oh yeah! Luna Lovegood is trying out for the part of the Nurse. I heard it's going to be really gross, but there isn't anyone I know but Luna who'd accept *that* role." 

Hermione listened intently to Ginny's list of names. If she was going to get the part of Juliet, she had to know just what kind of competition there was. Being Head Girl certainly had its perks. She would be able to flush out any possible Juliets and disqualify them before the Auditions. Nothing would stop her from becoming Juliet! 

"Oh, and listen to *this*, there's a rumor flying around Slytherin that Professor Snape is going to audition!" Ginny cringed at the mere thought of it, "Wait…What if he wants to be Romeo?"

Hermione shrieked at that, and slapped her hand over her mouth when students began looking in her direction. "You've GOT to be kidding! For…for one, why would he want to play the male lead, much less actually be in the play?!" Logic was overcoming her in the wake of unbridled apprehension. "I think there's more to it than that, Ginny. Please let there be more to it than that." 

What scared her most, though, was that she knew nothing would stop her from playing Juliet. Not even having to play opposite the Scariest Person Ever. 

~~~~

Albus Dumbledore looked over the rim of his goblet to the Mass of Fretful Students that was the Great Hall. He was reveling in the chaos that he'd created, and he'd be sure to keep it going as long as possible. 

"Has anybody seen Severus, tonight?" he inquired to the rest of the staff, "I thought he'd be here, what with the discussions of the upcoming School Event." 

Minerva cleared her throat and addressed the issue, "Severus was…preoccupied with the prospect of playing the Nurse…. I'm sorry Albus, but I just couldn't resist." She really wasn't sorry at all, as Albus laughed merrily in tune with her words. 

Feigning a contemplative look, she looked up to the ceiling with her hand on her chin and said, "I distinctly remember suggesting Filius's proven and patented Breast Enhancement Charm…Needless to say, he wasn't pleased…actually, I think he went on a murderous rampage." 

"Minerva! You…You're…BRILLIANT!" Albus wheezed between breaths, and banged his goblet against the table several times, "Remind me to get you a few dozen Blue Label Ogdens' next Christmas. Do you think he'd actually play the part?" he had to clamp his eyes shut to hold in the tears that were threatening to fall.

"That, I'm not sure of. He didn't seem exactly pleased with the idea of having to play the nurse…." The rest of the table laughed at Severus' expense.

They were all unfortunately none the wiser to Severus' maniacal potion brewing in the laboratory below. Unbeknownst to Severus, he was brewing the exact same potion that was used, in The Play, to knock out Juliet for a good couple of days. 

~~~~

Lol, this was a weird chapter, I admit. You can't blame me, I have the flu and I'm high on medicine and cough syrup. *twirls* 

I love reviews and reviewers! Keep in mind that your name will be immortalized on both the review page AND the next update, so review, people!! BUA HA HA HA HA! Thanks ^_^ Much love to everybody, and special thanks to my WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL BETA, TheLilyMalfoy! She's the one you thank for good grammar and the removal of HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE SPLEINGL!


	4. Save Tibet!

"What the *fuck* is going on?" Snape walked through his classroom, not bothering to mask his anger.

Hermione simply looked down at her hands. She was one of the few people who had managed to find a seat.

"Miss Granger, answer me! This is your doing!" He folded his arms above her seat and waited for an answer.

"Well, Professor, they were all breaking the school rules." She tried to make herself seem as small and terrified as possible. It didn't help that Slytherins, who had hardly done anything wrong when she assigned them detentions, surrounded her.

"And I suppose you thought it was funny, didn't you? To hand out detentions like a madwoman!" His anger was beginning to get to him, though, as his head was pounding in an intense migraine. 

"No sir… I thought you'd be, " A pause as she mustered up whatever true feeling of fear that she might have had, "pleased."

He considered what to do, what with all these students in a single room. It looked as if Hermione had assigned detentions to half of Slytherin house. She was the only Gryffindor. 

"Very well, I'll split you all up into two groups. Slytherins, you are to go into the trophy room and polish anything shiny. Gryffindors," He released a malicious smile, "Clean out and relabel the entire potions cabinet. Oh, and wash the cauldrons from yesterday's assignment." 

Hermione opened her mouth in a silent expression of shock. She was going to clean out the entire potions cabinet. By herself. AND she was going to wash the cauldrons from yesterday's assignment. By herself. This, she realized, was going to take her the better part of the night.

She saw the Slytherins, snickering though they were, retreating from the classroom. 

"Crap" she said, under her breath.

"What was that, Miss Granger?" 

"Crap" she repeated, louder; she was obviously challenging him.

"Oh, I thought it might be something derogatory toward me. Very well, resume your task." He replied crisply, evidently not at all shocked by her words.

She gave up. "Yes, sir."

And on the night went, with her organizing and relabeling the entire potions cabinet. She saw out the corner of her eye, though, that he was brewing his own potion. It had a pugnacious smell, and she eventually found herself cringing at it. He was obviously brewing it to annoy her, or so her warped mind convinced her.

"Professor, is that really necessary?" She asked, annoyed.

"Mind your own business, do not purport to ask me, your superior, if _anything _is necessary. Get back to work." It was brutal, but he was in the mind to hurt some feelings. He was good at it, after all.

She was too shocked for words, so she kept quiet for the next hour, tolerating the horrible smell. 

He seemed to be concentrating very hard on the potion though, more than was normal - especially in front of a Gryffindor. Finally, she mustered up enough courage just to outright ask him, even if she was scared of reprisal.

"What is it you're brewing?" She managed a small but clear voice.

"Temporary relief," He smiled at her, "In a bottle."

~~~~~~~

"I think so." Draco smiled languidly.

"Well then, would it be impossible for _me _to play Juliet." Pansy was being very insistent on this fact; probably because she thought somebody else would try to steal her spotlight.

"Of course, Pansy. You know there's only one person for that." He glared at her; he knew what she was trying to do, "And if you don't mind, I'm going to sleep." 

She stared after him, measuring him. 'Damn it' Hell would freeze over before he noticed her. That wouldn't stop her from auditioning anyway.

Draco took the stairs up to the boy's dormitory two at a time. He had no intention of going to sleep, of course, as he had a certain after-dark visit to make.

When he reached his room, he kicked open his trunk and began digging at the bottom of it. He found it though, his invisibility cloak. After he'd found out that Harry had one, he had pleaded with his father until he got his own. He couldn't let Harry get the better of him, after all. 

He placed it over his shoulders and began fastening the ties. He made sure that his invisibility cloak was _better _than Harry's to boot. After smoothing down the cold, silky material of the cloak, he pulled the hood over his head and headed out back to the common room. He could see Pansy conversing with some other Slytherin girls whom he didn't care to identify, and turned his head back around to the opening of the common room. Luckily, curfew took place at about this time and several students were filtering in. As soon as he found an opening, Draco launched his body out and landed a foot lower on his feet. 

He smiled to himself, bearing in mind that he was going to visit the famous (and beautiful… and sexy… and unbelievably wicked in the sack…well, he'd find that out soon enough, anyway) Harry Potter. It would be a fun night indeed.

He was distracted, though, by a light emitting from the supposedly empty Charms classroom. He was lucky, though, because he found Harry Potter crouched in a corner, poking at something. 

"Having fun, Harry?" Draco said lightly, closing the door behind him.

"Malfoy! What are you doing in here?" He grabbed his wand from his pocket and threw something on the floor.

"What's that you've got there?" Draco didn't seem frightened in the least with the fact that he had a wand pointed at his head. 

"None of your business. Answer my question." Harry glared daggers; he wasn't quite sure that he wanted Malfoy to answer him.

"Oh, you know why I'm here." He slowly advanced on Harry, sliding around the desks like a snake. "Must be fate that I found you."

"If you think for a second that I'm going to let you…let you…you…well, you're completely mistaken. Don't come any closer!" He was literally panicking now, he was cornered, and Draco did have his hand on his wand - the literal one. 'Oh don't think like that, damn it, this is a life or death situation!'

"Harry, what are you hiding from me? Come on, I wont tell anybody." Draco was coming increasingly closer, and Harry choked. He couldn't run now, he had to hide it…he had to hide it.

Before he knew it though, Draco was right in front of him, and trying to look behind Harry's shoulder…into the corner. 

"I KNEW IT!" Draco practically screamed, in Harry's ear no less. He hugged Harry…hard. "I knew you'd want to play Juliet with me. Don't worry, I'll make sure you get the part!"

"Malfoy, are you sick? How could you possibly think…we're in competition, you…I'm going to play Romeo." He asserted, picking up the Shakespeare book from the corner and stuffing it in his robes.

"I could be your Juliet, then. You know how I can make you feel." At that point, Draco pushed his body into Harry's and cornered him against a wall. "Harry, Harry, don't fight it."

Harry nearly convulsed. He picked up his wand behind Draco and planted a strong 'Stupefy'…but of course at the last minute, Draco decided to kiss Harry and it hit the both of them. 

They blacked out.

~~~~~~

Giggles. Why did he hear so much giggling? His head hurt. He moaned and opened his eyes, trying to determine where he was. Of course, lying under him was a very unconscious Draco Malfoy. He opened his eyes wider, and spun around, only to wake up the boy beneath him. 

Harry realized that they were in the middle of a Sixth year Charms lesson…between Gryffindor and Slytherin. Harry looked around, through the masses of giggling and outright laughing students. He spotted Ginny, who oh so predictably had an eyebrow raised. 

He looked back on the floor at Draco, and an incomprehensible rage went through him. Draco was just now getting up, and there would be no point in hexing him now, as that would only land him a detention. 

Okay then, he turned over some ideas in his head. 

"Draco, are you alright? We must have fallen asleep." Harry appeared generally concerned.

The blonde on the floor was, of course, much too shocked to answer. Harry held out a hand and he took it, albeit cautiously. 

There were still giggles, and Draco was getting a big aggravated. Flitwick said nothing, just stared at the chain of events with a smile on his face. 

Harry took the cue; he grabbed Draco's wrist and pulled him to the hallway. He was just about to scream his head off, but he recognized Hermione rushing towards them from the other end of the hallway. 

He eyed Draco and cautiously backed off to meet Hermione. Draco would obviously have none of this. He leaned up and kissed Harry on the mouth before winking and whistling all the way back to his common room. Harry just gawked at him. Twice in a row, that disgusting maggot of a person kissed him. 

"Hermione…we need to talk." He said when he was in speaking distance.

"Hmm, might it have anything to do with your baggy eyes and the fact that Malfoy just kissed you?" She pondered aloud.

"I'm going to cry."

"I don't blame you. Come on, let's go back to the common room where you can have a proper bawling." She led him by the arm. Luckily, neither of them had classes until after lunch. She'd need the time to de-traumatize one Very Disturbed Harry.

~~~~~~

By the time He'd gotten to the Great Hall for lunch, Luna Lovegood was already standing on top of the Ravenclaw table, bellowing out her lines for the part of the Nanny.

Life would never end…well, he did have that temporary alternative safely tucked away in his pocket.

No, of course, he couldn't use that until…until that day. 

"Albus. I've come to a decision."

The entire table quickly quieted and listened for the headmaster's response.

"And what might that decision be?" He feigned ignorance.

"I've decided…that I'll play Paris." He looked levelly into the arrogantly twinkling eyes of the older man.

"Well, that's splendid. Of course, you were informed that you would play the nanny, weren't you?" He looked inquisitively at Minerva, and she, in turn, nodded graciously at him.

Severus blanched. He was so enraged that he was lost for words. The entire staff table suddenly broke out in laughter and Albus grinned at him.

"Oh, we were debating what your reaction would be. Of course Minerva's won again." Severus noticed that Minerva was being discreetly passed a surprisingly large number of wrapped bottles of God only knows what. "Don't worry, Severus. You'll get to play Paris." 

He was, of course, relieved beyond reason, but he still clutched that bottle… the bottle that would make this nightmare go away. 

Not yet…Not until Auditions.

~~~~~~~~~~

Ooh, I hope this chapter wasn't too bad. Thanks for stickin' with me folks. I haven't updated for a while because…well because I lost my dog, for one, and I just found him about three days ago. It was pretty remarkable, but it's been two months and I'm sorry for the lack of updates. I updated my other fic though, which is angsty and easier to write for in the case of depression. Well, I'm happy now, because I'm eating pizza and I found my dog. @.@

Shout outs you say? Or shootouts?

SiruisBlacksgirl4eva - Thanks and I'm sorry it took so long!

Ra-chan - lol, hope I didn't scar you for life.

Alexia - yes, isn't it? Oh, I love the good old days, full of snogging in corners and boy on boy sex. *sighs*

Lady_Black (teenfreak@antisocial.com) - thanks, sorry it took sooo long, I have an excuse!

GoldenSunnyGrl - Glad you like it, I love bravos, and sorry for the long time no update.

SnapDragonGrrl - Oh, the farting lightning bolts thing..*sighs* I don't know how I thought that up, it's kind of retarded..but so am I and so is my sense of humor. 

Lazy - lol, romeo and Julius. @.@ that's cute. It is a snape fic, to some extent. I've got four main characters, and it's pretty much all inclusive. But don't worry, Snape gets a lot of action..in more ways than one. *wink* *cough*

lisa ambrose aka lord_snapes_lady - Thanks for the compliments and for the reviews, you rock!

Corazon - Ty! Can't believe I'm getting a review from one of my favorite writers! Have gotten lost from the fandom for two months though, so I don't really know what's going on anymore @.@

Max Kitten - Thanks, but I'm afraid it's taken a lot longer for me to update this chapter. Don't worry, I'll stick with it from now on ^_^

Artemis Moonclaw - Thanks for the support! I don't know, I'm not british so I'm going to try not making a fool out of myself by misquoting their slang lol, this way is just so much simpler. Snape/Hermione stories are fun too! Give them a try, some of them are kinky..dunno about mine lol tell me what you think

ConservativeAmericanTeen - I dunno, you might be surprised. Just keep reading and you'll see. *grin*

Piggie - thanks, dunno about the potion, hmm…it's a mystery bua ha ha ha ha

KET - thanks! I'm surprised nobody else has thought of it….or maybe they have and I'm copying…ooh scary, don't want to think about it. Don't tell me about one though, cause then I'll just get paranoid. 

dama-de-tinieblas - thanks, I'm amused when I write it too…you just can't help it, you know?

Merry the Psychotic Coconut - thanks for the compliments. It's reviews like yours that make my day, lol. Slash can be fun, give it a try ^_^

Cool - Cool.

Person (vandtjen@juno.com) - thanks! I'll write my heart out.

Piper Sargasso - sorry I haven't updated in a while. Hopefully, it's still fun @.@

SeverreLeeSalacious - I am the *biggest* simpsons fan! It's ridiculous, I try to incorporate the simpsons in everything I do. Freaky, isn't it? And yes, the simpsons was my inspiration for the chapter titles. I dunno, maybe I'll do that for all of them, *giggle*

Me - thanks! I love this feedback! Makes me happy, makes me hurt my back *sings*

LadyPeregrine (lightning6789@sbcglobal.net) - Thanks! Yeah, I hope the writer's block has gone away, stressful with it looming over my head like that. The potion is a mystery, Hermione's hair is bodacious, and I can't wait to see what happens next either… hmm, maybe I should *write* what happens next. Good Idea, I'll go do that. lol


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